Hiding my Thoughts

My silence here has been completely unintentional. I’ve avoided creativity in general lately, in favor of establishing routines in house-cleaning and laundry and other mundane stuff.

An update on happenings around here:

My grandmother passed away last week. She had a relatively short illness and then she was gone. It’s still so strange that I can’t just go visit her. I kind of have that numb-robot feeling going on right now. She was a good lady and I’m proud to be hers.

Other than the “Nannie’s Flowers” post from below, I haven’t been doing a lot of photography. I’ve been totally uninspired. It’s not a lack of wanting to take pictures, it’s being uninspired to make art.

Health-wise, my thyroid is messed up. That’s not news and there are a couple of different things that could be going on with it, according to my endocrinologist. I don’t have answers and it seems pointless to speculate right now, so I won’t go further into it.

I’ve developed this strange fear of putting my thoughts and feelings out there on this blog, for some reason. My drive for perfectionism has kicked in and I don’t want to mess this space up or clog it up with unnecessary posts.

The truth is that I miss my grandmother very badly and I am pretty scared about the thyroid stuff and I am anxious about my lack of creative drive, too. All that manifests itself in avoidance.

One good thing: there is a piano in this house again. I’d all but written off music, especially after recently selling my French horn. But, good friends pointed me toward a piano at a garage sale at a next-to-free price and those same friends were willing to help me move it. It needed some TLC, but after some DIY finish work, repair to one key to make it functional, and securing the plastic on a few other keys, it is in playable condition. It still needs tuning but it isn’t as bad as it could be. I am thrilled and relieved. After I sat down to play the first time, I remembered that music is an integral part of my soul and I shouldn’t have ignored it for as long as I did. I still have the mission of finding my music books and hymnal, but I was able to remember a couple of pieces enough to be satisfied the first time I sat down to play. It is good for my soul.

That’s all I have for now.

A Ten Year Anniversary

It’s not a fairy tale.

That first online “smile.” Long nights on the phone. The first meeting in the airport. Long weekend visits. Meeting families. A wedding at the beach.

Then…

A miscarriage. Two preemies. Sickness. Arguments.

And…

All three kids: healthy. A sturdy home. A community we love. Lots of laughter. Family. Happiness. Incredible amounts of love.

I’m a lucky, lucky girl.

It’s not a fairy tale because it is real. It’s as real a marriage as a couple can have, this marriage between Jared and me.

Throughout the past ten years, we have sometimes picked this relationship apart piece by piece. At times, it has seemed as if nothing was sacred about this marriage at all.

But…

This marriage is sacred. It has been sacred and strong all along. It is as strong as the dainty, nearly flawless diamond he gave me.

Jared and I got married ten years ago today.

It was sunny and windy that morning, April 2, 2005, with only small reminders of the rain from the night before. Fifty-eight of our closest family and friends joined us for the morning wedding at St. Simons Island, Georgia– one of my favorite places in the whole world.

I remember the gorgeous music. I remember the earnest, sweet seriousness in Jared’s eyes and voice and I remember the way my voice wavered through my tears of happiness as we said our vows.

I can’t wear the dress anymore and he can’t wear the tux, either. We both wear different rings now.  Life has been far different than we expected it to be in those early days.

And…

I love him more today than I ever thought was possible. It’s a privilege to be Jared’s wife.

I got to marry my best friend ten years ago today.

And….

I’d do every bit of it all over again in half a heartbeat.

I can’t wait to see what the next ten years bring.